Workers over 50.
Has this been implemented elsewhere?
Dear Employee,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and over on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retired Aged People Early)
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance.) Obviously persons who got AIDS or HERPES are not eligible to be SHAFTED or SCREWED any more.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S**T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of S**T it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough S**T, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the S**T you can handle.
Thanking you.
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