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Old 10-31-2004, 07:01 PM   #1
charlene
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feel free to post jokes...I meant to delete the first one but the whole topic got deleted...
sorry guys...take care what you post...
char
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Old 10-31-2004, 07:44 PM   #2
Gaby
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Oh! Great, Char!
You’ve just deleted the only two jokes I knew!
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Old 11-01-2004, 06:40 PM   #3
Borderstone
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Wait a minute! Char! What did I say bad??? (If anything?) I'd really like to know.

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"A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." - Borderstone

[This message has been edited by Borderstone (edited November 01, 2004).]
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Old 11-01-2004, 09:27 PM   #4
jj
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quote:Originally posted by Borderstone:
What did I say bad???

B, it was actually Gaby's man-squishing

yeah, i took my complaint to the TOP, lol
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Old 11-02-2004, 05:49 AM   #5
Gaby
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Lol!

Hey!! jj, - have you been nipping over the border?

I found this in this week’s Sunday Times –
Kidnap of the week

Three thieves were arrested after returning to the scene of their crime to silence a talking parrot. They feared the bird would identify them to police. The three men raided a house in Memphis, Tennessee, and were making off with their haul when one of them realised the parrot had heard him using the nickname JJ. Fearing the parrot would squeal to the law, they decided to return for the bird. The raiders were just loading the parrot into the car when a patrol car arrived to give chase. The bird escaped when the thieves’ car crashed and its cage burst open. It is currently on the run.

jj – would you repost your children joke? – I want to send it to a friend. Thanks.
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Old 11-02-2004, 07:02 AM   #6
charlene
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Borderstone...my post said I meant to delete the FIRST one...yours was not first...
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Old 11-02-2004, 08:50 AM   #7
jj
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lol, bizzare stuff...guess that's why i use a lowercase 'jj', don't want to be mistaken for that 'JJ' (and i'm too lazy to use the shift button!)


my archives are a mess, enjoy, friend of G

CHILDREN:

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
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Old 11-02-2004, 09:28 AM   #8
Gaby
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Thanks, jj.
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Old 11-02-2004, 09:35 PM   #9
stationmaster
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quote:Originally posted by Gaby:
The bird escaped when the thieves’ car crashed and its cage burst open. It is currently on the run

Could that be Lyle?

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Old 11-02-2004, 09:44 PM   #10
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SPEAKING ABOUT PARROTS...

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the Priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

------------------
"The station is for travelers even you must ride someday"


[This message has been edited by stationmaster (edited November 02, 2004).]
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Old 11-03-2004, 12:19 AM   #11
jj
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it's time for me to turn over a new leaf
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Old 11-03-2004, 04:59 PM   #12
Gaby
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I’m posting this as a proxy for Bru who is so poorly she can’t do it herself. (Although she can obviously boot up her pc and email!!??) -

If you've seen some of these before, I apologise but they made me laugh. I'm not the only 'blonde' when it comes to computers!

HELPDESK LOG...

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Celine: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Celine: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry ...

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates damn it!

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?
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Old 11-03-2004, 07:44 PM   #13
jj
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good ones, lol...hope your getting fluids!

yeah, i hate when i call for support and they ask my password to confirm whatever but i've got the "remember next time" option selected so i always answer ******

(i actually usually have no clue what i put in there the first time, maybe my fave sports team at the time or whatever)

and no char, you can't crack my e-mail by putting in "Leafs", they don't even exist right now

[This message has been edited by jj (edited November 03, 2004).]
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Old 11-05-2004, 04:45 PM   #14
BILLW
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Y'all must have heard all the jokes that start out "You might be a redneck if" so how about a collection of jokes that start out "You might be a Lighthead if..." Now it may take awhile but go on give it a shot.

Bill
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Old 11-05-2004, 05:05 PM   #15
Gaby
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Biiill, This here li’ll ole Brit sure ain’t never heard no redneck jokes.
Oh, good heavens! – I can’t keep up this ridiculous accent!
Give an example. Please.
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Old 11-05-2004, 05:41 PM   #16
waltsongs
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You might be a Lighthead if..
You hear someone say "cool sundown", and you immediately turn up the radio...

Not too funny, but its a start.....

Walt http://waltsongs.safossils.com
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Old 11-05-2004, 06:01 PM   #17
jj
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"...wear braces/suspenders"

see, i'm even bilingual! (this game's easy)

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Old 11-05-2004, 06:18 PM   #18
violet Blue Horse
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Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocio us!"

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Old 11-20-2004, 04:43 PM   #19
saradreams
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Heard by a caller on a Boston sports radio station after the Red Sox won the WS:

"Now that the post season is over, has anyone seen my wife and kids?"
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Old 11-21-2004, 08:50 AM   #20
Jim Nasium
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Some years ago a man and a dog went into a theatrical agency in New York, and announced that the dog could talk.

"Oh yeah," said the agent, "heard it all before, beat it."

"No, no" said the man "this dog CAN talk."

"Right, Fido, how do you feel first thing in the morning after a night out"

"Ruff" said the dog.

"There you go" said the man "Rough, don't we all?"

"Get outta here" said the agent.

"Wait" said the man. "Fido, how did it feel, in the carpark, when you sat down and pulled yourself along on your backside?"

"Ruff" said the dog.

"There you go" said the man "Rough."

"I've had enough of this," said the agent, "Now scoot."

"One more" said the man. "This is the clincher. Right, Fido, who is the greatest Baseball player who ever lived?"

"Ruff" said the dog.

"There it is" said the man "Ruth, Babe Ruth, now how about it?"

"Thats it" said the agent as he threw them out to door. "And don't come back."

As they sat on the sidewalk. The dog looked at the man and said, "Heck, I guess I should have said Joe DiMaggio."
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Old 11-21-2004, 11:38 AM   #21
Cathy
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From The Original Hollywood Squares T.V. Show. These are from the days
when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they
are now.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him
if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What
will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one
daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie
"What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one
years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did."
What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

Q: Should you wear rubber gloves while giving a baby a bath?
A: Paul Lynde: Only if you're using an abrasive cleanser.
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Old 11-21-2004, 06:39 PM   #22
Sheryl Klein
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Cathy, I laughed till I cried!! My kids kept coming over to me, saying, "What's so funny, Mommy?" I kept shooing them away from the computer, saying, "It's not appropriate for you!" (And, yes, I DO remember all those people!!)

Sheryl
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Old 11-21-2004, 07:44 PM   #23
Borderstone
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I remember "Hollywood Squares" ('70s & after) quite well! Especially Paul Lynde! Who I happen to do a very good impression of! Here's a P.L. type joke I made myself.

"I had puppy once that I trained for the K-9 corps." "I made him sleep in a "pup" tent!" (In Paul's voice):"Oh,that's a good one,I love it!"

How about Paul Lynde as Uncle Auther on Bewitched? "Oh Sammy,mah feet are killing me!" (Guns appear on his shoes firing blanks at him!)

I'd love to be center square on H.S. myself!

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"A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." - Borderstone
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Old 11-22-2004, 12:42 PM   #24
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Joke, sort of ... And I paraphrase Sharon Stone:

'Woman may fake orgasams but men can fake a whole relationship'

This is a joke?????????????
ROTFL
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Old 11-22-2004, 04:02 PM   #25
Borderstone
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"One day I was traveling in a bus that had a really bad jerk in it.....that's when the driver told me to get out!"
_____________________________________________
"Did you hear about the road made of chewing gum?"

"Chewing gum?" "No."

"Oh,yeah." "They called it "CareFree Highway"!!!
_____________________________________________


------------------
"A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." - Borderstone

[This message has been edited by Borderstone (edited November 22, 2004).]
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