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Old 03-07-2005, 02:34 AM   #51
The Rez
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Tom Dooley's Last Request

Two men, both called Tom and sentenced to die on the same day, were led down the path toward those green, green grasses and that old oak tree - nooses dangling from its sturdy limbs.

The priest had given them last rites . . . the formal speech had been given by Mr. Custer, the warden . . . a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Do you have a last request? Do you, Mr. Jones?"

The young man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I've always loved to dance. Could those three skinny fellers yonder, with the gui-tars & the broken-string banjo please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly, son." replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, Mr. Dooley . . . and you? What is your final request?"

"Please, Mr. Custer," the condemned man pleaded, "Kill me first!"

Me, too - The Rez

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It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive
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Old 03-09-2005, 04:41 PM   #52
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ATTN K-Mart Shoppers: Today's TooFer:

Adamís Rib

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


An Orangutan's Reading List

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

The Rez

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It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive
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Old 03-09-2005, 05:18 PM   #53
Cathy
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In second grade one day, the teacher asked her students, "Did anyone see anything remarkable or unusual on the way to school today that they'd like to share with the class?"

Little Johnny blurted out, "I saw a flat cat."

The teacher said, "A flat cat? What do you mean by that?"

Johnny said, "I don't know. He was just flat."

Teacher said, "What makes you think he was flat?"

Johnny replied, "I know he was flat, because there was another cat on top of him pumping him up."

Cathy http://www.cathycowette.com
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Old 03-13-2005, 05:00 PM   #54
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GRRRROANNNNERRRS! (but true?)

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Well, well, well,

The Rez

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It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive
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Old 03-13-2005, 05:03 PM   #55
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Warning! Warning! Pun Ahead!

Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

My Kinda Stuff,

The RezRat

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It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive
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Old 03-18-2005, 02:24 PM   #56
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Meatless Fridays

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take
it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.

They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors
and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.

They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and
said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are
a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came,
and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their
cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting
into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT
WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if
he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in
time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He
was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were
born a Cow, you were raised a Cow, and now you are a Fish."

LOL

It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share - a Time to Care
To be Alive



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Old 03-26-2005, 01:27 AM   #57
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Rock & Roll Heaven?

When Jerry Garcia died, he woke up and found himself on a stage on which a
number of instruments were set up. A door offstage opened and in walked
Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding and
Buddy Holly.

Each musician picked up his favorite instrument and began tuning up.

Jerry walked up to Jimi and said, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."

Jimi looked at him and said, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walked in, took her seat behind the drums,
and called out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You.' One, two, three, four!"

The Rez

It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share - a Time to Care
To be Alive





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It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive
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Old 03-31-2005, 08:12 AM   #58
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Damn! This is one of those S-H-I-T days.
quote:Originally posted by joveski:
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'."


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Old 11-08-2005, 05:54 PM   #59
Chris Castleberry
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Forgive me if this joke is just a tad crude; it's funny.


A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.


St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Sharon, have you ever had
any contact with a mans thingy ?"


She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger"


St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."


St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Bernice
have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"


The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through
the gate."


All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the
girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.


When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems
to be the rush?"


The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water... I want
to do it before Mandy sticks her arse in it!!"
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Old 11-08-2005, 10:27 PM   #60
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Knock Knock!

Who's there?

The Beatles.

The Beatles who?

The bee tells the hummingbird to get away from his flowers! :D LOL!
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Old 04-27-2006, 04:40 PM   #61
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(We now return you to you regularly scheduled joke-book!)

Knock-Knock!

Who's there?

Avacado!

Avacado who?

*Av-a-cad-o answers all my prayers! :D

*(I've a God who )
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Old 04-29-2006, 02:18 PM   #62
Shutup and Deal, I'm Losin'
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Quote:
Originally posted by Chris Castleberry:
Forgive me if this joke is just a tad crude; it's funny.


A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.


St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Sharon, have you ever had
any contact with a mans thingy ?"


She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger"


St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."


St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Bernice
have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"


The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through
the gate."


All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the
girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.


When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems
to be the rush?"


The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water... I want
to do it before Mandy sticks her arse in it!!"
Good God, man, good God.
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