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Auburn Annie · 01-12-2006, 06:36 PM

Love this guy's column (Cop Corner) in the AJC:

________________________________________________

Strumming our six-string, looking for Jimmy Buffett
By STEVE ROSE | Wednesday, January 11, 2006, 07:50 AM

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Last weekend we decided to go to a new themed restaurant located in fashionable Dunwoody. When a restaurant opens and the theme of it has anything to do with Caribbean atmosphere or otherwise any hint of any resemblance of Jimmy Buffett, I am required to take my wife to this place so that she may search for him.

As long as she gets the annual Margaritaville fix my wife can still function as a normal person.

Here’s the problem:

Jimmy Buffett did not come to Atlanta in 2005.

Remember when you had to tell your kids something that you knew you had to tell them but you knew it would temporarily shatter their image of something that was very important to them? An important thing like Santa doesn’t really come to all those houses in one night but instead opts to subcontract duties to “regional helpers.” For example, much of rural Georgia is handled by Santa’s helpers “Skeet and J.W.” who deliver presents and especially NASCAR collectibles to all the good ol’ boys and girls.

That was a piece of cake compared to breaking the news that Atlanta was not on Buffett’s schedule for 2005.

This particular restaurant is named: Cheeseburger in Paradise. (It’s not a plug — I had to pay.) To my wife, Sandy, this name was an omen. To make things worse, on the way to the omen, the radio played “Cheeseburger in Paradise.” My wife saw this as a sign — on top of the omen — that Jimmy Buffett would be there. (You have to understand the Parrotthead Nation).

Our friends are not obsessed with Jimmy Buffett, but they do enjoy the bizarre behavior of others as a form of entertainment.

Off we went.

Fashionable Dunwoody is an area that has grown tremendously over the past 30 years.In 1969, Dunwoody had only a 1 per 1,000 BMW-to-resident ratio compared to today’s 600-to-1000 rate.

I grew up on the outskirts of Dunwoody. Even then, Dunwoody had planted the seeds of fashion, something that I recognized and tried to keep up with during high school.

My father said the secret to fashion was simple: Always match your socks to your shirt. On the first day I wore a yellow shirt and socks.

I looked like the sun.

Upon our arrival at the restaurant, we agreed with the kids that they should have their own table somewhere else in the restaurant. They’re teenagers now. They don’t want to be seen near us. We secured a table at a comfortable distance. Being that the kids are all teenage boys, I offered them sound advice:

Don’t try to order booze.

Don’t hit on the girls and then get beat up by their boyfriends or dates. Too much paperwork.

Don’t bother the other customers by way of foodfights, burping or other emissions.

Don’t leave the building.

Don’t do anything that may be constituted as a misdemeanor or felony.

Finally, and very importantly, if you need to use the bathroom, remember two things: First, theme restaurants have fancy names for their bathrooms. Take time to interpret and understand the name prior to entry. If you can’t decide, hide until someone else goes in and then proceed, hoping they know what they are doing. Secondly and most importantly, always foot-flush.

I am a believer in the foot-flush. There are sophisticated and very nasty organisms everywhere. These sophisticated and nasty organisms are called cooties. There are certain strains of cooties that live on toilet flush handles as well as all other components of toilets.

Automatic flushing systems attached to toilets have contributed to reducing the need for touching the toilet components. Depending on the setup, the device will kick in as you move away from it and automatically flush. This helps maintain consistent sanitized conditions. Unfortunately, it also maintains a consistent flushing of cell phones and glasses.

After having covered the ground rules for dinner, we settled in for dinner. Most of you know that a Caribbean restaurant features large fruity drinks. This one was no exception. The large fruity drink came with a strawberry with a tiny pair of sunglasses on it. The martini glass was the size of a small bucket. I don’t think they expect you to drink more than one. We asked our server to occasionally check on our kids at the other side of the restaurant and report if any of them were being led away in handcuffs, otherwise, we didn’t want to be disturbed.

I hoped it would not happen, but it did.

Sandy began to look for Jimmy Buffett.

“There he is!”

“No, that’s a picture of him.”

“It looks just like him!”

“I know but it’s on a beer mug. Hey, let’s eat.”

We looked at the menus and tried to figure out what the cute food names meant. After a while I excused myself to go visit the restroom. When I got there I couldn’t figure out what the cute names on the restroom doors meant so I hid behind a plastic palm tree for a few minutes and then entered the door labeled Manos or Banos or whatever it was after apologizing to the party sitting next to the palm tree.

The rest of the night went pretty smooth. Not knowing what Jimmy Buffett song to equate to what food item, I chose to point to the pictures of food I was pretty sure I recognized. Sandy thought she recognized Jimmy Buffett several times but I tackled her before she could get to them. (My apologies to the customers, the valet, and the guy passing the sidewalk with the “Will Work for Gazpacho” sign.)

That night my wife went home obviously disappointed. She asked me to write Oprah and ask her to bring Jimmy Buffett to our house on her bus.

I sat down and instead, wrote Jimmy Buffett a letter.

“Dear Jimmy Buffett:

Please don’t forget to come to Atlanta this summer. I don’t think I can hold out much longer.

Thank you,

Steve Rose

P.S. If possible, could you be more specific with your bathroom signs?”

01-12-2006, 06:36 PM	#12
Auburn Annie Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Upstate New York Posts: 3,101	Love this guy's column (Cop Corner) in the AJC: ________________________________________________ Strumming our six-string, looking for Jimmy Buffett By STEVE ROSE \| Wednesday, January 11, 2006, 07:50 AM The Atlanta Journal-Constitution Last weekend we decided to go to a new themed restaurant located in fashionable Dunwoody. When a restaurant opens and the theme of it has anything to do with Caribbean atmosphere or otherwise any hint of any resemblance of Jimmy Buffett, I am required to take my wife to this place so that she may search for him. As long as she gets the annual Margaritaville fix my wife can still function as a normal person. Here’s the problem: Jimmy Buffett did not come to Atlanta in 2005. Remember when you had to tell your kids something that you knew you had to tell them but you knew it would temporarily shatter their image of something that was very important to them? An important thing like Santa doesn’t really come to all those houses in one night but instead opts to subcontract duties to “regional helpers.” For example, much of rural Georgia is handled by Santa’s helpers “Skeet and J.W.” who deliver presents and especially NASCAR collectibles to all the good ol’ boys and girls. That was a piece of cake compared to breaking the news that Atlanta was not on Buffett’s schedule for 2005. This particular restaurant is named: Cheeseburger in Paradise. (It’s not a plug — I had to pay.) To my wife, Sandy, this name was an omen. To make things worse, on the way to the omen, the radio played “Cheeseburger in Paradise.” My wife saw this as a sign — on top of the omen — that Jimmy Buffett would be there. (You have to understand the Parrotthead Nation). Our friends are not obsessed with Jimmy Buffett, but they do enjoy the bizarre behavior of others as a form of entertainment. Off we went. Fashionable Dunwoody is an area that has grown tremendously over the past 30 years.In 1969, Dunwoody had only a 1 per 1,000 BMW-to-resident ratio compared to today’s 600-to-1000 rate. I grew up on the outskirts of Dunwoody. Even then, Dunwoody had planted the seeds of fashion, something that I recognized and tried to keep up with during high school. My father said the secret to fashion was simple: Always match your socks to your shirt. On the first day I wore a yellow shirt and socks. I looked like the sun. Upon our arrival at the restaurant, we agreed with the kids that they should have their own table somewhere else in the restaurant. They’re teenagers now. They don’t want to be seen near us. We secured a table at a comfortable distance. Being that the kids are all teenage boys, I offered them sound advice: Don’t try to order booze. Don’t hit on the girls and then get beat up by their boyfriends or dates. Too much paperwork. Don’t bother the other customers by way of foodfights, burping or other emissions. Don’t leave the building. Don’t do anything that may be constituted as a misdemeanor or felony. Finally, and very importantly, if you need to use the bathroom, remember two things: First, theme restaurants have fancy names for their bathrooms. Take time to interpret and understand the name prior to entry. If you can’t decide, hide until someone else goes in and then proceed, hoping they know what they are doing. Secondly and most importantly, always foot-flush. I am a believer in the foot-flush. There are sophisticated and very nasty organisms everywhere. These sophisticated and nasty organisms are called cooties. There are certain strains of cooties that live on toilet flush handles as well as all other components of toilets. Automatic flushing systems attached to toilets have contributed to reducing the need for touching the toilet components. Depending on the setup, the device will kick in as you move away from it and automatically flush. This helps maintain consistent sanitized conditions. Unfortunately, it also maintains a consistent flushing of cell phones and glasses. After having covered the ground rules for dinner, we settled in for dinner. Most of you know that a Caribbean restaurant features large fruity drinks. This one was no exception. The large fruity drink came with a strawberry with a tiny pair of sunglasses on it. The martini glass was the size of a small bucket. I don’t think they expect you to drink more than one. We asked our server to occasionally check on our kids at the other side of the restaurant and report if any of them were being led away in handcuffs, otherwise, we didn’t want to be disturbed. I hoped it would not happen, but it did. Sandy began to look for Jimmy Buffett. “There he is!” “No, that’s a picture of him.” “It looks just like him!” “I know but it’s on a beer mug. Hey, let’s eat.” We looked at the menus and tried to figure out what the cute food names meant. After a while I excused myself to go visit the restroom. When I got there I couldn’t figure out what the cute names on the restroom doors meant so I hid behind a plastic palm tree for a few minutes and then entered the door labeled Manos or Banos or whatever it was after apologizing to the party sitting next to the palm tree. The rest of the night went pretty smooth. Not knowing what Jimmy Buffett song to equate to what food item, I chose to point to the pictures of food I was pretty sure I recognized. Sandy thought she recognized Jimmy Buffett several times but I tackled her before she could get to them. (My apologies to the customers, the valet, and the guy passing the sidewalk with the “Will Work for Gazpacho” sign.) That night my wife went home obviously disappointed. She asked me to write Oprah and ask her to bring Jimmy Buffett to our house on her bus. I sat down and instead, wrote Jimmy Buffett a letter. “Dear Jimmy Buffett: Please don’t forget to come to Atlanta this summer. I don’t think I can hold out much longer. Thank you, Steve Rose P.S. If possible, could you be more specific with your bathroom signs?”