Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends / girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball & some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Beer goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase "let's F***" is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath; beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you? And why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

5. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

From,
Your biggest fan

A country family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

quote:Originally posted by Cathy:
This is a conversation from Joleen, a former employee and Wynonna Judd fan, about a month before her first year was up:

Joleen:

Cathy,
I just have one question, am I getting a raise? I know you mentioned it a couple of weeks ago, and I have never heard about it again. I know you have been busy, I would just like to know for financial reasons.
PS: I will stop talking about Wynonna if I get a raise.
Joleen

I love Joleen, she must be great to work with.

quote:Originally posted by brink:
I love Joleen, she must be great to work with.

She no longer works for me, but while she was there, she sure made things interesting. She was a very tall, very big woman. I think she was probably pushing 400 lbs, close to 6 feet tall. But she used her size to her advantage, kind of like a female Jackie Gleason. She was a real hoot!

Cathy http://www.cathycowette.com

I discovered this little pearl somewhere on the net. I hope you all find it as amusing I and the sainted SK did.
---------------------------------------------

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2004. Shortly after this upgrade I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and HairStyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law which can't be turned off? Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2004, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2004, it tends to delete all your Money files before uninstalling itself. Any help on this matter would be gratefully received.

Here's a joke that was popular in the 90's (at least I heard a few younger people tell it).

What was Jim Carrey caught doing in the restroom? http://www.corfid.com/ubb/confused.gif

"SsssMOKIN"!! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif


One more. http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif How many Jim Carrey's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1!! He's really "screwy",so he should have no trouble at all!! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/eek.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif


------------------
"A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." ;) - Borderstone

Damn and I missed all this shit in 2004.Funny you guys are funny.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Itch a shoe!

Itch a shoe who?

Itch a shoe untied? Because you almost fell down!! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/tongue.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif

------------------
"A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." ;) - Borderstone

Shalom,

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old
country for America returns to visit the family.

"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"

"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?"

"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in
his ear,

"Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?"

Ouch,
The RezRabbi


------------------
It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, NOT proof, to destroy it

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes...after that, you'd better have a big dude or huge boobs

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon...and all the less important ones just never go away

(holy, that last one was TOO real!)

Tom Dooley's Last Request

Two men, both called Tom and sentenced to die on the same day, were led down the path toward those green, green grasses and that old oak tree - nooses dangling from its sturdy limbs.

The priest had given them last rites . . . the formal speech had been given by Mr. Custer, the warden . . . a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Do you have a last request? Do you, Mr. Jones?"

The young man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I've always loved to dance. Could those three skinny fellers yonder, with the gui-tars & the broken-string banjo please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly, son." replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, Mr. Dooley . . . and you? What is your final request?"

"Please, Mr. Custer," the condemned man pleaded, "Kill me first!"

Me, too - The Rez

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It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive

ATTN K-Mart Shoppers: Today's TooFer:

Adam’s Rib

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


An Orangutan's Reading List

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

The Rez

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It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive

In second grade one day, the teacher asked her students, "Did anyone see anything remarkable or unusual on the way to school today that they'd like to share with the class?"

Little Johnny blurted out, "I saw a flat cat."

The teacher said, "A flat cat? What do you mean by that?"

Johnny said, "I don't know. He was just flat."

Teacher said, "What makes you think he was flat?"

Johnny replied, "I know he was flat, because there was another cat on top of him pumping him up."

Cathy http://www.cathycowette.com

GRRRROANNNNERRRS! (but true?)

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Well, well, well,

The Rez

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It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive

Warning! Warning! Pun Ahead!

Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

My Kinda Stuff,

The RezRat

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It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive

Meatless Fridays

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take
it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.

They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors
and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.

They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and
said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are
a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came,
and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their
cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting
into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT
WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if
he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in
time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He
was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were
born a Cow, you were raised a Cow, and now you are a Fish."

LOL

It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share - a Time to Care
To be Alive

Rock & Roll Heaven?

When Jerry Garcia died, he woke up and found himself on a stage on which a
number of instruments were set up. A door offstage opened and in walked
Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding and
Buddy Holly.

Each musician picked up his favorite instrument and began tuning up.

Jerry walked up to Jimi and said, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."

Jimi looked at him and said, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walked in, took her seat behind the drums,
and called out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You.' One, two, three, four!"

The Rez

It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share - a Time to Care
To be Alive





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It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive

Damn! This is one of those S-H-I-T days.
quote:Originally posted by joveski:
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'."

Forgive me if this joke is just a tad crude; it's funny.


A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.


St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Sharon, have you ever had
any contact with a mans thingy ?"


She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger"


St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."


St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Bernice
have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"


The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through
the gate."


All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the
girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.


When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems
to be the rush?"


The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water... I want
to do it before Mandy sticks her arse in it!!"

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

The Beatles.

The Beatles who?

The bee tells the hummingbird to get away from his flowers! :D LOL!

(We now return you to you regularly scheduled joke-book!) :)

Knock-Knock!

Who's there?

Avacado!

Avacado who?

*Av-a-cad-o answers all my prayers! :D

*(I've a God who ;) )

Good God, man, good God. :redface: