View Full Version : JOKES
charlene
10-31-2004, 07:01 PM
feel free to post jokes...I meant to delete the first one but the whole topic got deleted...
sorry guys...take care what you post...
char
Oh! Great, Char! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif
You’ve just deleted the only two jokes I knew!
Borderstone
11-01-2004, 06:40 PM
Wait a minute! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/confused.gif Char! What did I say bad??? http://www.corfid.com/ubb/frown.gif (If anything?) I'd really like to know.
------------------
"A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif - Borderstone
[This message has been edited by Borderstone (edited November 01, 2004).]
quote:Originally posted by Borderstone:
What did I say bad???
B, it was actually Gaby's man-squishing http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif
yeah, i took my complaint to the TOP, lol
Lol!
Hey!! jj, - have you been nipping over the border? http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif
I found this in this week’s Sunday Times –
Kidnap of the week
Three thieves were arrested after returning to the scene of their crime to silence a talking parrot. They feared the bird would identify them to police. The three men raided a house in Memphis, Tennessee, and were making off with their haul when one of them realised the parrot had heard him using the nickname JJ. Fearing the parrot would squeal to the law, they decided to return for the bird. The raiders were just loading the parrot into the car when a patrol car arrived to give chase. The bird escaped when the thieves’ car crashed and its cage burst open. It is currently on the run.
jj – would you repost your children joke? – I want to send it to a friend. Thanks.
charlene
11-02-2004, 07:02 AM
Borderstone...my post said I meant to delete the FIRST one...yours was not first...
lol, bizzare stuff...guess that's why i use a lowercase 'jj', don't want to be mistaken for that 'JJ' (and i'm too lazy to use the shift button!)
my archives are a mess, enjoy, friend of G http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif
CHILDREN:
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
Thanks, jj. http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif
stationmaster
11-02-2004, 09:35 PM
quote:Originally posted by Gaby:
The bird escaped when the thieves’ car crashed and its cage burst open. It is currently on the run
Could that be Lyle?
stationmaster
11-02-2004, 09:44 PM
SPEAKING ABOUT PARROTS...
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the Priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
------------------
"The station is for travelers even you must ride someday"
[This message has been edited by stationmaster (edited November 02, 2004).]
it's time for me to turn over a new leaf http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif
I’m posting this as a proxy for Bru who is so poorly she can’t do it herself. (Although she can obviously boot up her pc and email!!??) -
If you've seen some of these before, I apologise but they made me laugh. I'm not the only 'blonde' when it comes to computers!
HELPDESK LOG...
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Celine: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Celine: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry ...
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates damn it!
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?
good ones, lol...hope your getting fluids!
yeah, i hate when i call for support and they ask my password to confirm whatever but i've got the "remember next time" option selected so i always answer ****** http://www.corfid.com/ubb/tongue.gif
(i actually usually have no clue what i put in there the first time, maybe my fave sports team at the time or whatever)
and no char, you can't crack my e-mail by putting in "Leafs", they don't even exist right now http://www.corfid.com/ubb/frown.gif
[This message has been edited by jj (edited November 03, 2004).]
BILLW
11-05-2004, 04:45 PM
Y'all must have heard all the jokes that start out "You might be a redneck if" so how about a collection of jokes that start out "You might be a Lighthead if..." Now it may take awhile but go on give it a shot.
Bill http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif
Biiill, This here li’ll ole Brit sure ain’t never heard no redneck jokes.
Oh, good heavens! – I can’t keep up this ridiculous accent!
Give an example. Please.
waltsongs
11-05-2004, 05:41 PM
You might be a Lighthead if..
You hear someone say "cool sundown", and you immediately turn up the radio...
Not too funny, but its a start.....
Walt http://waltsongs.safossils.com
"...wear braces/suspenders" http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif
see, i'm even bilingual! (this game's easy)
violet Blue Horse
11-05-2004, 06:18 PM
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
saradreams
11-20-2004, 04:43 PM
Heard by a caller on a Boston sports radio station after the Red Sox won the WS:
"Now that the post season is over, has anyone seen my wife and kids?"
Jim Nasium
11-21-2004, 08:50 AM
Some years ago a man and a dog went into a theatrical agency in New York, and announced that the dog could talk.
"Oh yeah," said the agent, "heard it all before, beat it."
"No, no" said the man "this dog CAN talk."
"Right, Fido, how do you feel first thing in the morning after a night out"
"Ruff" said the dog.
"There you go" said the man "Rough, don't we all?"
"Get outta here" said the agent.
"Wait" said the man. "Fido, how did it feel, in the carpark, when you sat down and pulled yourself along on your backside?"
"Ruff" said the dog.
"There you go" said the man "Rough."
"I've had enough of this," said the agent, "Now scoot."
"One more" said the man. "This is the clincher. Right, Fido, who is the greatest Baseball player who ever lived?"
"Ruff" said the dog.
"There it is" said the man "Ruth, Babe Ruth, now how about it?"
"Thats it" said the agent as he threw them out to door. "And don't come back."
As they sat on the sidewalk. The dog looked at the man and said, "Heck, I guess I should have said Joe DiMaggio."
Cathy
11-21-2004, 11:38 AM
From The Original Hollywood Squares T.V. Show. These are from the days
when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they
are now.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him
if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What
will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one
daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie
"What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one
years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did."
What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
Q: Should you wear rubber gloves while giving a baby a bath?
A: Paul Lynde: Only if you're using an abrasive cleanser.
Sheryl Klein
11-21-2004, 06:39 PM
Cathy, I laughed till I cried!! My kids kept coming over to me, saying, "What's so funny, Mommy?" I kept shooing them away from the computer, saying, "It's not appropriate for you!" (And, yes, I DO remember all those people!!)
Sheryl
Borderstone
11-21-2004, 07:44 PM
I remember "Hollywood Squares" ('70s & after) quite well! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Especially Paul Lynde! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Who I happen to do a very good impression of! Here's a P.L. type joke I made myself.
"I had puppy once that I trained for the K-9 corps." "I made him sleep in a "pup" tent!" (In Paul's voice):"Oh,that's a good one,I love it!"
How about Paul Lynde as Uncle Auther on Bewitched? "Oh Sammy,mah feet are killing me!" (Guns appear on his shoes firing blanks at him!) http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif
I'd love to be center square on H.S. myself! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif
------------------
"A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." ;) - Borderstone
SilverHeels
11-22-2004, 12:42 PM
Joke, sort of ... And I paraphrase Sharon Stone:
'Woman may fake orgasams but men can fake a whole relationship'
This is a joke?????????????
ROTFL http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif
Borderstone
11-22-2004, 04:02 PM
"One day I was traveling in a bus that had a really bad jerk in it.....that's when the driver told me to get out!" http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif
_____________________________________________
"Did you hear about the road made of chewing gum?"
"Chewing gum?" "No."
"Oh,yeah." "They called it "CareFree Highway"!!! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/cool.gif
_____________________________________________
------------------
"A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif - Borderstone
[This message has been edited by Borderstone (edited November 22, 2004).]
Q: Should you wear rubber gloves while giving a baby a bath?
hey, so what's the real answer to that????
ps) btw, Gymnasium...always loved that joke http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif
Cathy
11-22-2004, 08:21 PM
quote:Originally posted by jj:
Q: Should you wear rubber gloves while giving a baby a bath?
hey, so what's the real answer to that????
ps) btw, Gymnasium...always loved that joke http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif
Why would you wear rubber gloves? Are you afraid he'll poop on your fingers?
No, you shouldn't wear rubber gloves while giving a baby a bath. How would all of those people who had babies before rubber gloves were invent have done it?
Cathy http://www.cathycowette.com
stationmaster
11-23-2004, 12:03 AM
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quickly.
He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
joveski
11-23-2004, 02:13 PM
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'."
Cathy
11-23-2004, 06:50 PM
This is a conversation from Joleen, a former employee and Wynonna Judd fan, about a month before her first year was up:
Joleen:
Cathy,
I just have one question, am I getting a raise? I know you mentioned it a couple of weeks ago, and I have never heard about it again. I know you have been busy, I would just like to know for financial reasons.
PS: I will stop talking about Wynonna if I get a raise.
Joleen
---------------------------------------------
My reply:
Yes, as soon as I get a chance to do it. I have a bunch to do tomorrow. If you write 100 times that you love Gordon Lightfoot's music, and that he is indeed better than Wynonna, maybe I'll get a chance to do yours.
Cathy
---------------------------------------------
Joleen's reply:
Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....
Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is
Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon
is Great......Wynonna Sucks.....Gordon is Great......Wynonna
Sucks
Joleen
---------------------------------------------
And this one is a two week notice that I found in my inbox on April Fools' Day:
Cathy,
Today is the saddest day of my life. I am putting in my 2 weeks notice. The goverment sees it fit to enroll me in the Witness Protection Program. Last week Sarah Spooner & I were standing on the corner of State & Main, when we both saw some things that we were never meant to see. The Goverment is not putting Sarah in the Witness Protection Program because, frankly, they would rather see her dead. She is worth nothing to them, because she is not a credible witness to anything because she has been in & out of jail for the last 7 years. They also believe she would do anything for money. So they
believe her testimony could be bought by anyone. After I leave here I can have no further contact with anyone I have ever
known. I never exsisted. I never worked here & my name was never Joleen. I am forced to move to Tahiti, living on the beach, drinking pina coladas.
This is not the way I would like to live my life, but my testimony is vital to putting John " the iron fist" Ciccolella behind bars.
I was told I could bring only one thing with me & I am choosing to bring a Gordon Lightfoot cd, so can I borrow yours.???
Bye,
The Person Formally Known As Joleen
Cathy http://www.cathycowette.cm
Cathy
11-23-2004, 07:01 PM
This one always cracks me up, no matter how many times I read it.
SKULE ECKSUKES
These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Cathy http://www.cathycowette.com
Oldie but Goody! Some of the youngsters might not know it.. but, then, they won't know the original song so, they won't get the joke anyway......Oh......what the hell!!......
A man asked his son what he would like for his forthcoming sixth birthday. The son said he wanted a hamster so the man visited the local pet shop. There he found the perfect hamster who was in the peak of health so he bought it. He also bought a cage with a wheel and a water bottle. As he was leaving the store owner said "Any problems what-so-ever, just come back here. I live right above the shop and I'll help you out any time you want."
The man put the hamster and cage in his car and drove home. He left them in there until his son had gone to bed so that he wouldn't see them when he brought them in. Next morning is the son's birthday so the man gets up early to wrap the other presents and to check on the hamster. He is horrified to see that the hamster is lying dead in the bottom of the cage with it's legs in the air! He realises that his son will be distraught as he's talked about nothing else for weeks! Quickly he pulled on his coat and drove round to the pet shop and knocked on the owner's door. He explains the problem and the owner is quite understanding and gives the man a new hamster, refusing to take any payment for it.
The man then says "What can I do with the old one? I don't want to bury it as the cat may dig it up and I don't want to throw it away in case my son sees it in the bin".
The pet-shop owner replies "What I do is mix up a strong sugar solution - about 1.5kg of sugar and 2 litres of water, bring it to the boil and then add the hamster and simmer for about two hours, stirring periodically. It makes quite a nice jam."
The man says thank you and that he will try the rather strange recipe and then dashes home with the new hamster. He gives the new hamster to his son who is thrilled with it and promptly goes off to play with it. The man then decides to try the pet-shop owner's recipe so goes to the supermarket to get some sugar, then gets the largest saucepan he has and starts cooking. After two hours, the mixture has become jam-like so the man decides to try it. He gets a slice of bread and smears a layer on and takes a bite. And it is (not unsurprisingly) absolutely revolting! In disgust he throws the rest of the mixture out of the window, all over his garden, and does his best to forget about the whole thing.
But after a few days he notices that daffodils are springing up all over his lawn. He is at a loss to explain it as he's never had any in his garden before! Next day, his son asks him to take him to the pet-shop as he wants to get some more food for the hamster so the man agrees. Whilst his son is looking around at the other animals, the pet-shop owner, recognising the man, comes over to talk to him.
"So", he said, "did you try that recipe I gave you?"
"Yes, but it tasted disgusting so I threw it out the window. Odd thing is, where it landed I've got daffodils growing!"
"Daffodils?" asked the store owner, "Are you sure? You usually get tulips from hamster-jam"
violet Blue Horse
12-13-2004, 05:58 PM
This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.
“Hey, what's that?”
“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”
“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.
“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”
“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”
violet Blue Horse
12-16-2004, 01:51 PM
A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company.
One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him. He slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle saw him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they
get close enough to hear, the poodle says.... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent
him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
waltsongs
12-16-2004, 03:00 PM
A bumper sticker for both parties.
FINALLY someone has come out with A 100% Bi-Partisan Political Bumper sticker.
The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper
Cathy
12-16-2004, 06:44 PM
quote:Originally posted by waltsongs:
A bumper sticker for both parties.
FINALLY someone has come out with A 100% Bi-Partisan Political Bumper sticker.
The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper
LOL. A little double meaning there. I'm going to put one on each bumper and confuse everyone.
Cathy http://www.cathycowette.com
waltsongs
12-17-2004, 10:46 AM
I'm glad you see the humor in it. I'll vote for her if she runs...
Walt
quote:Originally posted by waltsongs:
"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN"
heh heh http://www.corfid.com/ubb/smile.gif btw, i see RUN LOLA RUN is on dvd
cool, a bit more artsy than Sliding Doors, lol
Harmony
12-17-2004, 10:29 PM
quote:Originally posted by charlene:
feel free to post jokes...I meant to delete the first one but the whole topic got deleted...
sorry guys...take care what you post...
char
Oops. My bad. I am sorry, I posted a racial joke, and I guess I shouldn't have posted it. http://www.corfid.com/ubb/frown.gif
waltsongs
12-22-2004, 12:23 PM
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
joveski
12-22-2004, 03:11 PM
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends / girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball & some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Beer goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase "let's F***" is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath; beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you? And why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??
5. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
From,
Your biggest fan
waltsongs
12-23-2004, 11:31 AM
A country family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
brink
12-24-2004, 01:23 AM
quote:Originally posted by Cathy:
This is a conversation from Joleen, a former employee and Wynonna Judd fan, about a month before her first year was up:
Joleen:
Cathy,
I just have one question, am I getting a raise? I know you mentioned it a couple of weeks ago, and I have never heard about it again. I know you have been busy, I would just like to know for financial reasons.
PS: I will stop talking about Wynonna if I get a raise.
Joleen
I love Joleen, she must be great to work with.
Cathy
12-24-2004, 06:30 PM
quote:Originally posted by brink:
I love Joleen, she must be great to work with.
She no longer works for me, but while she was there, she sure made things interesting. She was a very tall, very big woman. I think she was probably pushing 400 lbs, close to 6 feet tall. But she used her size to her advantage, kind of like a female Jackie Gleason. She was a real hoot!
Cathy http://www.cathycowette.com
Jim Nasium
12-29-2004, 01:37 PM
I discovered this little pearl somewhere on the net. I hope you all find it as amusing I and the sainted SK did.
---------------------------------------------
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2004. Shortly after this upgrade I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and HairStyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law which can't be turned off? Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2004, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2004, it tends to delete all your Money files before uninstalling itself. Any help on this matter would be gratefully received.
Borderstone
12-29-2004, 05:05 PM
Here's a joke that was popular in the 90's (at least I heard a few younger people tell it).
What was Jim Carrey caught doing in the restroom? http://www.corfid.com/ubb/confused.gif
"SsssMOKIN"!! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif
One more. http://www.corfid.com/ubb/wink.gif How many Jim Carrey's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1!! He's really "screwy",so he should have no trouble at all!! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/eek.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif
------------------
"A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." ;) - Borderstone
gwen snyder
01-17-2005, 11:44 PM
Damn and I missed all this shit in 2004.Funny you guys are funny.
Borderstone
01-21-2005, 05:06 PM
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Itch a shoe!
Itch a shoe who?
Itch a shoe untied? Because you almost fell down!! http://www.corfid.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/tongue.gif http://www.corfid.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif
------------------
"A knight of the road,going back to a place where he might get warm." ;) - Borderstone
The Rez
03-02-2005, 11:19 PM
Shalom,
After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old
country for America returns to visit the family.
"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in
his ear,
"Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?"
Ouch,
The RezRabbi
------------------
It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, NOT proof, to destroy it
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes...after that, you'd better have a big dude or huge boobs
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon...and all the less important ones just never go away
(holy, that last one was TOO real!)
The Rez
03-07-2005, 02:34 AM
Tom Dooley's Last Request
Two men, both called Tom and sentenced to die on the same day, were led down the path toward those green, green grasses and that old oak tree - nooses dangling from its sturdy limbs.
The priest had given them last rites . . . the formal speech had been given by Mr. Custer, the warden . . . a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Do you have a last request? Do you, Mr. Jones?"
The young man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I've always loved to dance. Could those three skinny fellers yonder, with the gui-tars & the broken-string banjo please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly, son." replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, Mr. Dooley . . . and you? What is your final request?"
"Please, Mr. Custer," the condemned man pleaded, "Kill me first!"
Me, too - The Rez
------------------
It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive
The Rez
03-09-2005, 04:41 PM
ATTN K-Mart Shoppers: Today's TooFer:
Adam’s Rib
In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
An Orangutan's Reading List
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
The Rez
------------------
It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive
Cathy
03-09-2005, 05:18 PM
In second grade one day, the teacher asked her students, "Did anyone see anything remarkable or unusual on the way to school today that they'd like to share with the class?"
Little Johnny blurted out, "I saw a flat cat."
The teacher said, "A flat cat? What do you mean by that?"
Johnny said, "I don't know. He was just flat."
Teacher said, "What makes you think he was flat?"
Johnny replied, "I know he was flat, because there was another cat on top of him pumping him up."
Cathy http://www.cathycowette.com
The Rez
03-13-2005, 05:00 PM
GRRRROANNNNERRRS! (but true?)
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Well, well, well,
The Rez
------------------
It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive
The Rez
03-13-2005, 05:03 PM
Warning! Warning! Pun Ahead!
Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
My Kinda Stuff,
The RezRat
------------------
It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive
The Rez
03-18-2005, 02:24 PM
Meatless Fridays
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take
it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.
They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors
and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and
said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are
a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came,
and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their
cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting
into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT
WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if
he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in
time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He
was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were
born a Cow, you were raised a Cow, and now you are a Fish."
LOL
It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share - a Time to Care
To be Alive
The Rez
03-26-2005, 01:27 AM
Rock & Roll Heaven?
When Jerry Garcia died, he woke up and found himself on a stage on which a
number of instruments were set up. A door offstage opened and in walked
Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding and
Buddy Holly.
Each musician picked up his favorite instrument and began tuning up.
Jerry walked up to Jimi and said, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."
Jimi looked at him and said, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"
At that moment, Karen Carpenter walked in, took her seat behind the drums,
and called out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You.' One, two, three, four!"
The Rez
It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share - a Time to Care
To be Alive
------------------
It was a Beautiful Rainbow
A Beautiful Time in my Life
A Thing to Share
A Time to Care
To Be Alive
Patti
03-31-2005, 08:12 AM
Damn! This is one of those S-H-I-T days.
quote:Originally posted by joveski:
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'."
Chris Castleberry
11-08-2005, 05:54 PM
Forgive me if this joke is just a tad crude; it's funny.
A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Sharon, have you ever had
any contact with a mans thingy ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger"
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Bernice
have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through
the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the
girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems
to be the rush?"
The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water... I want
to do it before Mandy sticks her arse in it!!"
Borderstone
11-08-2005, 10:27 PM
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
The Beatles.
The Beatles who?
The bee tells the hummingbird to get away from his flowers! :D LOL!
Borderstone
04-27-2006, 04:40 PM
(We now return you to you regularly scheduled joke-book!) :)
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
Avacado!
Avacado who?
*Av-a-cad-o answers all my prayers! :D
*(I've a God who ;) )
Shutup and Deal, I'm Losin'
04-29-2006, 02:18 PM
Originally posted by Chris Castleberry:
Forgive me if this joke is just a tad crude; it's funny.
A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Sharon, have you ever had
any contact with a mans thingy ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger"
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Bernice
have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through
the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the
girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems
to be the rush?"
The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water... I want
to do it before Mandy sticks her arse in it!!" Good God, man, good God. :redface:
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